"Inner Joy"

Principles for change

1. Joy can be a baseline for living
2. Joy can be sustained even in spite of major problems and challenges
3. We live in a world of abundance.  Appreciate it
4. Be yourself
5. Realize and integrate opposing values within yourself and others
6. Eliminate "black and white" thinking
7. You have the power to create your own experience

Overcoming fear of pleasure

1. Recognize that you are in control of your mind.  You can create your own experiences and not just react to the world
2. Enliven your imagination.  Set a goal and daydream
3. Give yourself permission to feel good even when you have problems
4. Experiment with your power to create ecstatic moments under different circumstances
5. Favor the positive
6. Let yourself be enthusiastic and loving.  The energy of enthusiasm creates charisma
7. Accept all your desires.  They don't necessarily have to all be acted upon
8. Take time out every day for quiet solitude
   1. Unlock breathing - Breath through alternate nostrils while holding for 4 counts
   2. Unlock your body
   1. Pelvic and back stretch - lie flat on back, sit up and hold for a count of 10
   2. Pelvic rotation - "hula hoop" 5 times in each direction
   3. Neck rotation - 5 times in each direction
   4. Pelvic rock - lie on back with knees bent.  Alternately arch back and flatten to floor
   5. Spinal roll - lie on back, roll knees to side 5 times each side
   6. Standing toe touch
9. Share a sexual fantasy with a lover and explore the possibility of acting it out
10. Choose to be satisfied in the present
11. Make a list of what you appreciate most about your life

Your success profile

1. Give yourself permission to succeed.  Common denominator in successful people is desire, determination and confidence
2. Success is a process, not a final destination
3. Make enjoyment of your work and your life, rather than money, your highest priority
4. Set attainable goals and learn to enjoy each small step of progress
5. Rest is the basis of dynamic activity
   1. Close eyes and take 3-4 deep breaths through nose
   2. Guide relaxation from toes to head
   3. Imagine you are floating in space or lying in a warm meadow
6. Cultivate the ability to maintain a state of ease all day long
7. Don't over-schedule
8. Organize your work so you can always enjoy calm
9. Consciously project ease and enjoyment.  Sit back in a meeting and move forward when you speak
10. Remind yourself that creative intelligence, not hard work, is the reason for your success
11. Don't put up with boredom. Ask for more responsibility, more excitement, more challenge
12. Value your time/stop wasting time.  "Is this the most important thing I should be doing right now?"
13. Cultivate energy by getting things done
14. Find time to cultivate friendships - Friendship is fun!
15. Success is just another game and only a fool takes any game too seriously

Learning to love yourself and other fully

1. Affirmations
   1. Use several each day and at least 3 times per day
   2. Write in present tense
   3. Write in positive form (i.e. "I will....")
   4. Write affirmation 10-20 times.  Include response for first 10 days and always include your name
   5. General affirmations for self-love
      1. I like myself always and in all ways
      2. It's OK for me to have fun and enjoy myself and I do
      3. My opinion is as valuable as the next person's
      4. It's always OK for me to express myself and my feelings in an appropriate way
      5. I never have to apologize for being me
      6. I would not trade me for anyone
      7. I control my present and my future without apologizing to anyone, especially myself
      8. I forgive myself for all past mistakes
      9. My past cannot haunt me; I'm not afraid of ghosts
      10. I am not lacking; I have everything in me that I need for what I want to do
      11. I regard every obstacle as an opportunity to confirm and enhance my abilities
      12. I do not judge others; but accept them as they are
      13. I live and act in harmony with myself and others
      14. I love all things and am loved in return
   6. General affirmations to enhance sexual self-image
      1. I deserve sexual pleasure
      2. I can ask for what I want in sex
      3. I can trust myself to go at my own speed
      4. I don't have to prove my masculinity.  I am relaxed and can turn toward pleasure freely
      5. I can say no without losing my lover's love
      6. I am a terrific lover.  I am open to giving and receiving pleasure in many ways
      7. I am sexually attractive and desirable
      8. I can freely express my sexual desires
      9. I can have orgasms and help my partner to have orgasms in many ways.  I don't have to rely on intercourse all the time
      10. It's OK for me to howl and growl and let it all hang out during sex
      11. I can abstain from sex for awhile and still feel great about myself
      12. I can be active or passive during sex; changing roles turns me on and allows me to get closer to my lover
      13. Any reaction during sex is OK
      14. Any feeling during sex is fine
      15. I am handsome during sex.  I can be totally open
2. Contacting your inner voice
   1. Relax as in Chapter IV
   2. Clear an inner space
   3. Bring your chosen problem to mind and loosely regard it.  Be sensitive to feeling it brings up
   4. Match feelings to words
3. Accepting your body
   1. Look in full-length mirror
   2. List troubling body parts
   3. Write affirmations for troubling body parts
4. Loving others
   1. Choose to communicate your deepest self
   2. Cultivate your ability to listen
   3. Give up your need to prove other people "wrong"
   4. Favor the positive whenever you can
   5. Accept that anger and tension will happen but learn how to deal with them
   6. Share your real feelings but beware of dumping
   7. Acknowledge those you love as often as you can
5. More techniques for building self-love
   1. Practice developing congruence between your inner and outer self
   2. Stop putting yourself down
   3. Start giving yourself the credit you deserve
   4. Stop trying to win appreciation by putting yourself at everyone's beck and call
   5. Accept the fact that you're going to encounter plenty of disapproval in your lifetime
   6. Make an effort to trust your opinions
   7. Take time alone
   8. Pamper yourself every once in awhile
   9. Stop complaining about yourself
   10. Stop measuring yourself against a pre-fabricated ideal that you carry around in your head

Getting unstuck - Joyfully recreating your life

1. Stop thinking of yourself as fragile.  If you get knocked down; pick yourself up and move on
2. Eliminate "wish," "hope" and "maybe" from your vocabulary
3. Start considering yourself too important to put up with anxiety about obstacles in your life
4. Pretend you only have one year left to live when you're feeling ambivalent about your life
5. Choose one of your bigger dreams and start making it a reality
6. Stop feeling you always have to have a plan
7. Don't procrastinate
8. Don't be ashamed to ask friends for support when you consider a major change
9. Have faith in yourself, your ability to succeed at what you attempt and get back up if you fail
10. Don't let yourself be crippled by the fear of failure
11. Spend more time being a do-er and less being a critic
12. Learn to master fatigue.  Take a 5-10 minute break
13. Decide once and for all that your happiness or unhappiness is primarily up to you

Overcoming guilt and worry

1. Reduce guilt
   1. Stop trying to make decisions according to some abstract idea of right and wrong
   2. Recognize that you are not perfect and are entitled to make mistakes
   3. Put the past behind you
   4. Confront your values honestly an decide which you do and don't believe in
   5. Take time out for "frivolous" fun
   6. Stop letting yourself be manipulated by your boss, friend or spouse
   7. Learn to express your feelings confidently
      1. Restate the other person's feeling with "you" messages
      2. Ask the other person to appreciate your feelings
      3. Let the other person know that you appreciate their feelings
      4. State your reasons for following your course of action
      5. End discussion with positive feelings if possible
   8. Temper your expectations from yourself
2. Ending worry
   1. Ask yourself what you're avoiding by worrying
   2. Take an inventory of your worries and see what they accomplish
   3. Label your worries as anhedonic thinking and undeserving of your attention
   4. Next time you worry about someone you care about, do something constructive to show your love instead
   5. Use affirmations to break the worry habit
   6. Face your fear of powerlessness - "What's the worst that can happen?"
   7. Beware of the belief that you need worry as a motivator
   8. Set aside a specific time for worry only
   9. If you catch yourself worrying, tell yourself to stop, then do something that will bring you pleasure
   10. Use "thought stopping" if worry won't leave
   11. Tread life's uncertainties and confusion like weather and go about your business

Making anger work for you

1. Constructive anger
   1. Empowers you to stand up for yourself
   2. Helps you to communicate your hurt
   3. Allows you to share the intensity of your hurt with appropriately forceful language
   4. Aims for mutual understanding so your feelings are given more weight
   5. Will change relationship in specific ways to avoid future hurts and misunderstandings
   6. Prepares emotional ground for forgiveness and forgetting
2. Anger desensitization for old hurts
   1. Make a list of 15 things that anger you
   2. Relax as in Chapter IV
   3. Describe incidents in detail
   4. Relax systematically, then respond reasonably
3. Exercises
   1. Role reversal
   2. Push/pull - grab each other's shoulders and push/pull while verbalizing
   3. Fair fight
      1. Sit knee to knee
      2. One person speaks at a time uninterrupted
      3. Listener must restate what was said and then speak
4. Anger inventory
   1. Why am I angry?
   2. What do I need to change?
   3. What do I need to let go of my hurt and anger?
5. Goals of anger
   1. Communicate direct feeling of hurt
   2. To change the hurtful situation and make things right
   3. To prevent recurrence of the same hurt
   4. To improve the relationship and increase communication
6. Other strategies
   1. When someone is getting angry with you, try to listen tot he message of hurt and restrain your own tendency to be defensive
   2. If you are too filled with rage to express yourself coherently, find some way to let it out physically
   3. When you're explaining your hurt, don't expect an immediate response
   4. Beware of trying to make the other person wrong.  Seek an acknowledgment of your hurt and a commitment to avoid the same mistake in the future
   5. It's OK to get confused, change your mind and restate your feelings
   6. Don't be afraid to say exactly what you want to change
   7. When your anger is spent, acknowledge that you feel better

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